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Needle in a haystack...

Somewhere in this city there HAS to be an apartment that will suit our needs! I swear that I could find a needle in a haystack easier than I could find a place to live in this God forsaken town. It has been an entire week now that I have been glued to my computer in the endless search for a decent, clean, reasonably priced place to hang my hat. Things are not going well.

I have seen every house, cottage, townhouse, condo, apartment, pool home, duplex, tri-plex, four-plex and any other “plex” you wanna call it that exists on the internet but nothing seems to be exactly what we need. This is getting pretty frustrating. The realty business is a funny animal when you think about it. Many times this week I have often said to myself, “It doesn’t matter if you put lipstick on a pig…it’s still a pig.” Some of the adjectives used to describe these properties have definitely been courtesy of a thesaurus in my opinion.

In all fairness, I have also felt great compassion for some of these homeowners who have beautiful properties which happen to be stuck in neighborhoods that have gone to the dogs. I saw a four bedroom house for $1,095 a month that could have fetched $2,500 if I picked it up and moved it to a different area. Poor guy. Bet he never saw that coming when he bought the place twenty years ago. Damn drug lords, no consideration.

Anyways, back to my dilemma. So, I don’t think we are asking too much when we say that we don’t want to be mugged walking to our car when we leave our apartment. I would also like our car to still be there when we get to the spot where we last parked it. I think that it is reasonable to expect that when I lock the door to my apartment that the contents inside of it, STAY inside of it. It would also be nice to assume that the only people who are in said apartment are the people whose names are actually on the lease, unless of course we invite someone to accompany us into the place willingly instead of by force from a deadly weapon. These seem like simple requests.

Is it too much to ask that the interior of the apartment be larger than one of the moving boxes that will carry our belongings when we move? We don’t need a mansion but it would be nice to use the toilet without washing my hands at the same time. We already have a pet so I don’t feel the need to find an apartment that comes equipped with palmetto bugs but it was a nice gesture on your part. Also, I am aware that living in an apartment building means that we are herded like cattle but does that mean we need to hear the mooing from our neighbors every night through the thin walls? We live in a city for a reason, not a farm.

Then there is the topic of “amenities” that every complex simply LOVES to parade around as their selling feature. First of all, no one is fooling us with your silly man-made retention ponds that have the fake fountain in the middle of it. They are alligator breeding grounds that are only there to reduce the small dog population in your communities when your residents walk too closely to the pond and Fido becomes their afternoon snack. You should be ashamed of yourselves for putting small pets and rampant children at such great risk! Then again, screaming children may not be such a loss… (that was humor people, I wish no ill will on your children).

The swimming pools are bacteria cesspools not to mention the Jacuzzis which have activities performed in them that I will not even mention here for the sake of modesty. I recommend a shot of penicillin before you even think about entering a community hot tub. ‘Nuff said. Then there are the business centers where everyone can read all of the private correspondence that you have just completed on the computers because we ALL know that you can never fully delete what you do on a public computer. Let’s not forget the pleasant office staff that gives you that toothy smile when you walk in as they listen to your complaint about your air conditioner that is still not working and then bitches about you the minute you leave the room. You know they all do it. Next time, secretly wait outside the door and then walk back in and catch them in the act. It is great!

Ahhhh, the joys of hunting for a new place to live. After eight years of living in the same apartment complex I really hate to leave here but it has to be done. The rent has skyrocketed beyond what we can afford and it has become unreasonable. There is no other choice but to keep looking. A house comes with its own drawbacks of unreliable landlords, lawn maintenance (which we cannot do ourselves) and the lack of a swimming pool/fitness center which we need for rehab purposes. An apartment complex comes with all of the wonderful drawbacks that I have highlighted in this post, plus a higher rent. There must be a happy medium somewhere.

I am off to keep looking for the needle in the haystack. Living in a city, there aren’t too many haystacks around here. I suppose that my wish list will start getting smaller and smaller until I end up in something that simply puts a roof over my head. The clock is ticking to get out of where we are now so the pig with the lipstick is starting to look better all the time. Wish me luck!

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