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  • Lyme Lens

Went "dark"...

So, I kinda went “dark” there for about six weeks or so on the blog. Sorry about that. It was a combination of having nothing to say and basically wanting to wrap myself under the covers and shut out the world for a little while. I wasn’t feeling poorly, wasn’t particularly depressed about anything, wasn’t busy with other things… I was just blah.

I got hooked on Netflix and spent most of my time watching British television shows, odd I know. What can I say? They intrigue me. I seriously think that I was born in the wrong country at the wrong time period to tell you the truth. Ah well, maybe I will visit Europe someday and find out if I would really be happy living there in my retirement.

Truth be told, I am a little lost right now with what my next move is in life. That is probably what is contributing to my blah status. I am getting better from my Lyme Disease and it is making me antsy to do something besides spend every day in this bed. I just don’t know what that something is supposed to be? I know that I cannot return to my previous profession because my body would never withstand the pressure of 60 hour work weeks and the mental stress that went along with my job. I would be back in full blown crisis in a matter of weeks.

Not to mention, it would be absolutely stupid of me to sacrifice my disability benefits and Medicare insurance on the risk that I could return to my prior profession knowing that there is such a risk of failure. So, what am I to do with myself for some type of future? I would like a reason to get out of bed every day. A small job that gives me some self worth, brings in a little money to help with the medical bills but doesn’t jeopardize my benefits. Is that too much to ask?

It is such a catch-22 when you are placed on disability because they put restrictions on you that make it difficult for you to try going back to work. I want to TRY it out without fear that I will lose everything and then if I fail, I will not be able to get my benefits back if I have to go back to bed full time.

My situation is even more complicated because I discharged student loans too. The government is watching every move I make because they forgave a lot of money that was spent to put me through graduate school. I don’t blame them and I am not trying to “screw them” out of their money. If I could pay them, I would! The trouble is I can’t even work enough to pay my medical bills let alone provide for myself which is why I am on disability in the first place.

It has been very hard to accept how my life has gone from freely providing for others, spending money at will for gifts and never worrying to where I am at now. I think about every trip to the grocery store and how I can not eat because I don’t want to spend the money. I worry about how I am short $300-$500 every single month on meeting my bills due to medical costs. I watch the credit card bill climb and the savings accounts fall. I cry over how much longer I can hold on without a job. I need a job but I simply don’t know what to do for work.

I don’t know what my body will tolerate. I don’t know what I am marketable for anymore. I have a very specific master’s degree that only qualifies me to do a certain job which I can’t do anymore. How can I turn that into something else? It’s a complicated situation that doesn’t have an easy answer. I have spent months trying to figure it out and the past six weeks rolling it over and over in my brain. I still don’t have a solution.

What I do know is that lying in this bed for much longer isn’t going to find me a job. I know that something has to change. I need to make some type of forward motion if there will be a change in my life. Whether that means getting out of the house more, starting an exercise regimen, seeing a therapist, going out to take photographs more often or simply reconnecting with friends again, I must do something to break this pattern of isolation. I have to test this body now and see how much it can handle. It is fine while I am lying here all the time but I have no idea how it will hold up in the real world.

This is my fourth year of fighting Chronic Lyme Disease. I think it has taken up enough of my time now. I want my life back. Hopefully, once I start putting one foot in front of the other the path will just open up in front of me and show me the way. It’s time to come out of the dark.

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